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Opinion on Lucere's character bio?
No opinion.
Atys: Lilz
1
16.7%
Sucks yubo toes. Go jump off Silan's cliffs. 0
Decent enough; needs work.
Atys: Bitttymacod, Lucere
2 (1)
33.3%
Inconsistent with lore.
Atys: Bitttymacod
1
16.7%
Too long; keep it short and sweet. No one cares about back-stories. 0
Too short; expand the story further. Build onto this.
Atys: Lucere
1 (1)
16.7%
Perfect as is. 0
Incorrect use of biography; should be about the player, not the character. 0
Other
Atys: Bitttymacod
1
16.7%
Abstain 0
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#1 Report | Quote[en] 

So after a few years away from Ryzom, I decided to create a new character last Friday. Figured I'd give her profile a biography. Here's what I've slapped together so far. Any ideas, or things I should consider?

#2 Report | Quote[en] 

"Lucere, a lifetime resident of the Silan island, has always had a natural penchant for the profound mysticism of nature's power.
At a young age, she entertained herself by weaving Atys' elemental energies into mesmerizing illusions. Several childhood years were spent playing with the Silanese wildlife, teasing and terrifying creatures with predatory phantasms.

In the early twilight hours of a cool autumn morning, Lucere went for one of her usual swims in the lake near her Kami friends' camp. Impulsively, she decided to finally see for herself the danger she was warned of at the end of the lake tunnel. Her curiosity paid off in full as she discovered amazing new creatures, much larger and more powerful than anything she had ever seen before.
Having a deep well of experience with animals, she recognized the creatures as herbivores, and decided to make contact with them. The kipee ignored her slow advances and she let out childish squeals of glee as she managed to actually touch the creatures.
After numerous returns to the jungle, she finally ventured deeper in to find more of these alien behemoths. Lucere's brazen confidence was shaken when she found that the kizoar did not share the same tolerance for piggy-back riding that the kipee had. Eventually, she became a regular denizen of the jungle, her antics mostly tolerated by the Kitin.

It was a fateful day when Lucere's foraging was disrupted by an agitation of the wildlife around her. The Kitin moved quicker and their attention was skittish. The kipee had not even allowed her to approach when she tried to greet them.
The ground of one of Lucere's foraging areas began to vibrate, and dirt began to heave beneath her. Scrambling to an alcove further away, she watched in morbid fascination as chitinous talons chewed their way forth from under the soil. A gargantuan Kitin with intimidating, predatory features pulled itself up and out of the hole, shaking debris off onto Lucere's carefully prospected resources. As the beast advanced further, it was followed by several airborne kipesta wielding, what appeared to be, naturally-developed contrivances of weaponry. As the kipesta soon spread through her jungle, she timidly began to approach the giant kirosta, which was now busying itself with widening the tunnel it had excavated. Lucere's quiet "hello" was immediately drowned out by a thunderous, primal roar from the kirosta which sent her frantically backpedaling towards the jungle entrance.
Closely pursued by the heavily pounding claws of death itself, Lucere's vision was blurred by her traumatized tears causing her to trip over one of her carelessly piled foraging spots. She was immediately set upon by a terrific swipe of a talon thrown forward a great distance through the air; her body weightily colliding with a large tree. The side of her skull impacted the trunk of the tree forcefully and her vision was flooded with blindingly bright blue bolts of light as she slumped onto the ground at the tree’s roots.
Her ears rang with deafening static as she looked up towards the kirosta in the distance. The lights danced in her eyes, swarming around the plants and fauna. The jungle floor pulsed with a deep, thrumming haze. Pulling herself painfully into a sitting position, she looked down at her hands and watched bands of lightning belting out in arcs between her fingers. She blearily pondered why the sparks didn’t cast any light before noticing that the ambient hum of her surroundings warped and pitched as she bent her fingers.
Completely forgetting the eminent threat of the kirosta, Lucere weakly grinned as the soil under her hand rose as she willed its permeating energy to rise, forming a bulge in the ground. Her seemingly frozen perception of time was shattered when she heard the kirosta’s screech through the calming buzz in her mind.
The kitin’s pawing of the ground, in a territorial display, came to an end and began advancing towards Lucere once more. Overcome with dizziness as she difficultly stood up against the tree trunk. Lucere’s mouth tightened into a thin line and she raised her arm towards the charging kirosta. Dredging up a titanic force of will, she dug deep within herself and within Atys and pulled. With a crackling upward swipe of her hand, a huge vast mass of earth broke forth from the terrain, throwing the kirosta upwards, screeching furiously as it thrashed in the air before coming back down with a sickeningly clacking thud. Detritus rained down upon the struggling Kitin, burying it in a hill of mud plant matter. Water spewed forth from the mess of landscape as underground springs broke free and made their way to the surface. A modicum of Lucere’s rationality returned, with a small smile at the kirosta’s chittering demise she turned away from the chaos she had sown, hurriedly stumbling on her way towards the lake tunnel’s opening.
Several kipesta and now-provoked kizoar and kipee were battered with surges of soil, incapacitating them while Lucere made her escape. After making her way through the tunnel and back to shore, she finally stopped to catch her breath and clear her mind. Lethargically flopping onto her back on the warm sand, her breathing slowed and pulse subsided as she stared upwards into the sky.
Hours passed before she was shaken awake by the Sage from the Rangers’ camp, his worried shouts rocking her head with painful twinges. In the few seconds before the sun breached the horizon, Nomis could swear he saw stars in Lucere’s distressed, tired eyes as she looked into his own. Picking Lucere up and brushing off the sand, the sage lifted her onto his back and carried her back to camp.
Later that afternoon, when questioned what she was doing on the beach, asleep with the tide washing over her feet, all that Lucere could recall was waking from a vivid dream with contusions across her back and a worryingly agonizing migraine. The matter was soon dropped but under Merclao’s purview, she soon became an acolyte of his teachings and grew into a young woman of significantly adept control over the esoteric energies of Atys.
Scars remain in the jungle’s terrain to this day, and her occasional visit to the area poke at her mind with visages of claws, earth and lightning. Her dismissal of these images as dreams has left her experiences and abilities unexplored and forgotten. For whatever reason, the usually docile kipee become edgy when she’s near.

She is now a young adult and is regularly involved in the activities of the Rangers of Silan. Her daily camp duties usually include the gathering of raw materials, hunting local rendor for meat, and fending off the occasional stupid gingo when necessary. Lucere spends a large portion of her energy protecting refugees as they train themselves to adapt to survive in this new land. While she speaks little, she does much, and is constantly traversing to all points of Silan on long quests. She has never left for the mainland like the other refugees, instead choosing to stay and cultivate her skills while helping others do the same. She has little interest in the world outside Silan and has constantly had to turn down the imploring requests of acquaintances to join them as they leave for the mainland.
Her birthplace lies in the soil and it is her anchor. Perhaps someday she will journey into the Prime Roots and even further still to follow the innate beckoning of Atys’ quiet hum. Lucere has grown up with an intimate connection with the moon, sometimes feeling as if she could sense it as it moved across the sky. The stars have also always intrigued her, as they twinkle in a celestial display of playful light, shooting stars, and… something else that flows through it all. Having to leave Silan’s gloriously clear night skies, and all her acquaintances in the camps would mean leaving her best friends of all: the stars."


i really enjoyed reading this but i was difficult to read. so, and i hope you don't mind, i 'edited' your story a little just to make it easier to read. i only changed paragraphs and some crazy comma usage :P

marceline.

Last edited by Marceline (6 years ago)

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marceline nitwit.
professional procrastinator.
atys's first openly transgender homina.
loyal member of the guardians of subox.
founding member of the cookies.
proud honorary member of the Lost Girls.

Douglas (atys)
“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”
What Cookies is about ---- Contact Cookies ---- Cookies at Events ---- For Cookies Diggers and Crafters

#3 Report | Quote[en] 

Really nice story although I would personally put it into the roleplay section forum and keep expanding on it :)

For the bio itself you could keep editing with the important bits of the stories you put into the roleplay section.

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#4 Report | Quote[en] 

i really enjoyed reading this but i was difficult to read. so, and i hope you don't mind, i 'edited' your story a little just to make it easier to read. i only changed paragraphs and some crazy comma usage :P

~~~

Haha, I appreciate the rewrite. Mostly I'll use the line break changes; a lot of the comma usage was intentional, and seriously changes the meaning and cadence when altered. Also, the unbroken paragraph was intended to induce a streamlined train of thought similar to Lucere's circumstances in a dangerous situation.

I was really looking for feedback on the premise of character biographies, and whether this would be a correct use of them though. Was interested in what extent existing lore could be woven into playerbase contributions without tearing the fabric of the storyline. Also curious as to the consensus on bio length; I didn't know whether or not full narrative excerpts of a character's life experiences are acceptable, or should rather be limited to a few simple lines.

Furthermore, if there's no general standard on the character bio's purpose, I was wondering exactly how tolerant admins would be with players submitting 10K+ word back-stories to give their online role more depth. Sometimes server databases don't like huge amounts of text, and if there's one thing you don't do in a game, it's aggravate the system support staff. :P

#5 Report | Quote[en] 

ah ok, my bad :P
well, i would keep the story.. i wouldn't shorten it as such but, like virg pointed out, it's definitely more at home in the roleplay section.
as for the personal bio bit... no idea if that many words will fit in. you can but try. though a shortened version of your toon's history/story would probably be better there, especially if you want people to take the time to read it :)

i'd say write the lore into your story as much as you like... who are we to argue :)

Last edited by Marceline (6 years ago)

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marceline nitwit.
professional procrastinator.
atys's first openly transgender homina.
loyal member of the guardians of subox.
founding member of the cookies.
proud honorary member of the Lost Girls.

Douglas (atys)
“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”
What Cookies is about ---- Contact Cookies ---- Cookies at Events ---- For Cookies Diggers and Crafters

#6 Report | Quote[en] 

as for the personal bio bit... no idea if that many words will fit in. you can but try. though a shortened version of your toon's history/story would probably be better there, especially if you want people to take the time to read it :)

i'd say write the lore into your story as much as you like...

~~~

Yeah, I checked the textedit field's css rules, and there's no limit to how much text you can enter (at least, no limit on clientside interface). Though that doesn't mean the server doesn't have a limiter that will give an error when submitting 1MB+ of text. :D I'm afraid to try, as I might invoke the wrath of the sysadmins.

As for roleplay... I wasn't really looking to place it in the forums as literature; my intention is to provide a bit of ingame depth to my character, in the context of the game environment.

When people are reading roleplay literature in the forums, they're outside the game environment, and somewhat detatched from the setting and background ambience that would lend immersive elements of the reader's mindset.

Also, I was more considering writing my story into the lore as a small part of the hivemind community contribution, rather than writing lore into the story. Though it would only be instantiated by acquaintances, rather than overwriting the grander scheme of Ryzom canon. Through this manner, character's stories would constantly evolve through a web of interaction, incorporating circumstances from friends' experiences into their own personal lore; it's sort of like the way BitTorrent protocol shares pieces from thousands of peers with thousands of other peers.

But I digress; I'm not so much concerned with roleplay proclivities so much as system capability to handle that much content (in theory, anyway; I'm not planning on starting a roleplay revolution).

#7 Report | Quote[en] 

ok, well, go for it!
it'll be nice to have a player that has actually filled out that piece of info about themselves.
I've clicked on many, many names and pressed 'info' only to find a blank screen. only a few players have filled out their biography, i myself haven't filled it out as such either... in fact, that sort of makes my comments invalid :-P

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marceline nitwit.
professional procrastinator.
atys's first openly transgender homina.
loyal member of the guardians of subox.
founding member of the cookies.
proud honorary member of the Lost Girls.

Douglas (atys)
“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”
What Cookies is about ---- Contact Cookies ---- Cookies at Events ---- For Cookies Diggers and Crafters

#8 Report | Quote[en] 

Lucere --

My opinions, given freely and without any intent to impose them:

The biography section of the character is there for back-story, but if I see more than a few lines I'm not going to read it. I believe that you could put a link from your Biography to the forums, however.

I agree with Virg that this belongs in the Roleplay section next to Naema's "Of Weapons and Goo" and such other creations.

In terms of English grammar and usage you have an over-fascination with the comma and adjectival phrases and an occasional use of a word that is close to, but not quite, correct. (Assuming, of course, that I have correctly interpreted your meaning.) For instance: "Completely forgetting the eminent threat of the kirosta..." should not use 'eminent' (meaning over-reaching) but 'imminent' (meaning coming soon). "As the kipesta soon spread through her jungle,..." would be better as "As the kipesta rapidly spread through her jungle,..."

However, given the overall substance of the story, and comparing it to others put into the Roleplay forums, t the style and grammar problems are small.

I do have a problem, however, with the fact that you mention at least one thing that conflicts directly with an observable aspect of Atys. The sun never sets and never rises; it flares. Lucere can sleep through the night until morning, but the sun will never "break the horizon," rather its "increasing brightness" will wash out the gloom of night. (There is also a minor fact that the "stars" in the night sky are not (cannot be) distant fixed points. They are an atmospheric artifact. Everyone calls them stars, however, so that is not important.)

-- Bittty.

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Remembering Tyneetryk
Phaedreas Tears - 15 years old and first(*) of true neutral guilds in Atys.
(*) This statement is contested, but we are certainly the longest lasting.
<clowns | me & you | jokers>

#9 Report | Quote[en] 

Bitttymacod (atys)
"Completely forgetting the eminent threat of the kirosta..." should not use 'eminent' (meaning over-reaching) but 'imminent' (meaning coming soon).  "As the kipesta soon spread through her jungle,..." would be better as "As the kipesta rapidly spread through her jungle,..."
Ooh, thanks for those catches; I just kinda threw it together after I arrived at work. My sleeping schedule got thrown outta wack and I wasn't thinking clearly at all. Just something I came up with during break time.
Bitttymacod (atys)
...The sun never sets and never rises; it flares.  ...the "stars" in the night sky are not (cannot be) distant fixed points. They are an atmospheric artifact.  Everyone calls them stars, however...
Ayyyy, super-important. Yeah, my premises were that Lucere's latent mastery of magnetism (or rather the fields of flux permeating everything) allowed her to percieve the cosmic forces between the stars. :D There goes that idea. Didn't know the sun flared. I assumed that orangy-glowy nebula at night was just a nebula or something... since it moved across the sky. :/
Based most of my idea off the picture of Atys, rather than lore. Been years since I've played. Is there a dense canopy of leaves amongst the Upper Branches? The Ryzom website background shows only sparse foliage. Or is Silan directly under a leafed area?

#10 Report | Quote[en] 

The nebula is the nebula -- and yes it moves, circling through it's pattern every day. The sun just sits there in the east all the time, brightly shining during the day and just gently glowing during the night (acting as a moon, but not moving). If you watch it from about 2hr. to 4hr. each day you can see the flare building up.

If you check out the Canopy (by looking up) you can see that Silan is under several very large branches, but you can see the sky. Not a whole lot of leaves up there except on the trees that you can see growing on the branches. Not sure where you would go to see the sun (there was an overcast when I logged in an alt just now) but I know you can. :)

-- B.

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Remembering Tyneetryk
Phaedreas Tears - 15 years old and first(*) of true neutral guilds in Atys.
(*) This statement is contested, but we are certainly the longest lasting.
<clowns | me & you | jokers>

#11 Report | Quote[en] 

If you check out the Canopy (by looking up) you can see that Silan is under several very large branches, but you can see the sky. Not a whole lot of leaves up there except on the trees that you can see growing on the branches.
The sun never sets and never rises; it flares...There is also a minor fact that the "stars" in the night sky are not (cannot be) distant fixed points. They are an atmospheric artifact.
The nebula is the nebula -- and yes it moves, circling through it's pattern every day..
Soooo.... a couple conjectures from this...
  • Points of light are not stars, and are not fixed points. (Are they holes in the canopy? This doesn't seem to match the artwork...)
  • Silan does not rotate. (Hence the sun never setting or rising. And we can't be on the pole, since the sun comes from an angle...)
  • Nebula is not a celestial body? Orbital anomaly? Since Silan doesn't rotate, the nebulous cloud has to orbit... OMFG!!! IT'S AN EXPLODED SPACECRAFT!! THE KARAVAN ARE STRANDED HERE! :D :D :D

Waaaaiiit... no way.... All those "stars..." They're not light-years away... they're surrounding Atys...
0_0

It's a massacre. They're the remains of the Karavan fleet?

This is too much... -_-

#12 Report | Quote[en] 

Long and detailed reply send via IM. Suffice it to say that the stars in the picture shown *are* stars, since the shape of the nebula hasn't evolved over the last 50 JY it is unlikely to be the remnants of an explosion, and that the final explanation is of course OOC. :)

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Remembering Tyneetryk
Phaedreas Tears - 15 years old and first(*) of true neutral guilds in Atys.
(*) This statement is contested, but we are certainly the longest lasting.
<clowns | me & you | jokers>
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