Lucere --
My opinions, given freely and without any intent to impose them:
The biography section of the character is there for back-story, but if I see more than a few lines I'm not going to read it. I believe that you could put a link from your Biography to the forums, however.
I agree with Virg that this belongs in the Roleplay section next to Naema's "Of Weapons and Goo" and such other creations.
In terms of English grammar and usage you have an over-fascination with the comma and adjectival phrases and an occasional use of a word that is close to, but not quite, correct. (Assuming, of course, that I have correctly interpreted your meaning.) For instance: "Completely forgetting the eminent threat of the kirosta..." should not use 'eminent' (meaning over-reaching) but 'imminent' (meaning coming soon). "As the kipesta soon spread through her jungle,..." would be better as "As the kipesta rapidly spread through her jungle,..."
However, given the overall substance of the story, and comparing it to others put into the Roleplay forums, t the style and grammar problems are small.
I do have a problem, however, with the fact that you mention at least one thing that conflicts directly with an observable aspect of Atys. The sun never sets and never rises; it flares. Lucere can sleep through the night until morning, but the sun will never "break the horizon," rather its "increasing brightness" will wash out the gloom of night. (There is also a minor fact that the "stars" in the night sky are not (cannot be) distant fixed points. They are an atmospheric artifact. Everyone calls them stars, however, so that is not important.)
-- Bittty.
My opinions, given freely and without any intent to impose them:
The biography section of the character is there for back-story, but if I see more than a few lines I'm not going to read it. I believe that you could put a link from your Biography to the forums, however.
I agree with Virg that this belongs in the Roleplay section next to Naema's "Of Weapons and Goo" and such other creations.
In terms of English grammar and usage you have an over-fascination with the comma and adjectival phrases and an occasional use of a word that is close to, but not quite, correct. (Assuming, of course, that I have correctly interpreted your meaning.) For instance: "Completely forgetting the eminent threat of the kirosta..." should not use 'eminent' (meaning over-reaching) but 'imminent' (meaning coming soon). "As the kipesta soon spread through her jungle,..." would be better as "As the kipesta rapidly spread through her jungle,..."
However, given the overall substance of the story, and comparing it to others put into the Roleplay forums, t the style and grammar problems are small.
I do have a problem, however, with the fact that you mention at least one thing that conflicts directly with an observable aspect of Atys. The sun never sets and never rises; it flares. Lucere can sleep through the night until morning, but the sun will never "break the horizon," rather its "increasing brightness" will wash out the gloom of night. (There is also a minor fact that the "stars" in the night sky are not (cannot be) distant fixed points. They are an atmospheric artifact. Everyone calls them stars, however, so that is not important.)
-- Bittty.
---
Remembering Tyneetryk
Phaedreas Tears - 15 years old and first(*) of true neutral guilds in Atys.
(*) This statement is contested, but we are certainly the longest lasting.
<clowns | me & you | jokers>